Hens Lay Plans Too.

           Corrine, a plump little hedge Witch, who lived alone in her small yellow bungalow nestled within a grove of conifers, was a highly sociable lady who  loved nothing more than gossiping over a cup of tea with neighbours and friends.

           A good gardener, Corrine had a little business selling jams at the local Country Market, which supplemented her pension and gave her an enjoyable social outlet, but Covid restrictions put an end to all that. She did consider selling her jams to local shops and Supermarkets but with profit margins so tight and no opportunity for socializing, she really didn’t see the point.

        So, in September 2020, with the nights closing in earlier and the nip in the air heralding the coming  winter, Corrine  knew she had to find an enterprise that would allow her to socialize safely through the winter. While she sat and considered her options, an advertisment for a Bank Loan come on the telly, you know the one

“Let today be a good day,

Let me give it my all

Let me learn to let go, to trust

Let me know when to pull back, when to push on

Let the staff know they are valued, and I couldn’t do without them,

Let the kids know I’ll be home for bedtime,

Right, let’s take that risk, let’s really go for it now,

Let’s be proud of what we’ve done,

O.k.  Let’s get to work

It takes a certain kind of brave to run a business.

We see it. We back it.”

             Well, Corrine stopped in her tracks. Imagine, Banks wanting to help people, how extraordinary!  Tears came to her eyes at the thought of such altruistic banking practices. She wanted to be part of this Great National Effort and then it suddenly it came to her. She should set up a Hen Petting Farm! There was nothing like petting a hen to cheer one up and calm the nerves. She would set up little booths where lonely folk could sit and pet hens to their hearts content, outdoors, socially distant, nerve calming and in no way adding to the dreaded Covid stone! She would see people every day, without having them under her roof, thus keeping to the Covid rules. The orchardat the back of her cottage was the ideal location for this enterprise.

       Corrine realized she needed a bank loan to get her started, but what of it, they “backed brave”, as it said in the ad.  

      On her next visit to town, she called to the bank and made an appointment to see the manager, Miss Delphine.

           Miss Delphine was an old fashioned Bank manager. She didn’t have a Business degree, but got a job in the bank on leaving school and learnt her business on the job. Despite her obvious ability, her advancement was slow, and she frequently found herself being overlooked for promotion in favour of younger men of lesser ability. This soured her outlook. She thought that the ad they were running on the telly at this time was silly and  it just encouraged people to come up with daft ideas. Still, as the manager, she dutifully interviewed every loan applicant and gave Miss Corrine an appointment. When she heard Corrine’s proposal Miss Delphine raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips and asked if she had a business plan. No, Miss Corrine had no business plan, so Delphine turned her down. She told Corrine to come back with a proper business plan if she was serious. Down but not out,Corrine next move was to visit the library and get the Local Enterprise Office sample business plans.

                  That evening after supper , Corrine cleared the kitchen table and started work on her Business Plan. The first paragraph of the sample plan advised her to keep it simple, but this was then followed by about fifty pages of pure gobbledygook, she thought. It looked like she would have to do courses in Marketing, Accounting and Crystal Balling Gazing to enable her to complete a Plan.

                           So Corrine made herself a cup of tea and did what any sensible Witch would do in such circumstances, she decided to cast a spell. She needed a spell to make Miss Delphine approve the loan, without a business plan. Within an hour she had a Witchy alternative to a Business Plan. Shewrote a short note to Miss Delphine, outlining her idea and requesting a loan. She then cast her circle near the windowsill, lit a green candle, and while she looked out at the orchard, she chanted:

“May my spell be cast on air,

Nothing may my wish impair,

May the receiver of this letter,

Think hard and think better,

And reverse her refusal,

To entertain my proposal,

Make her want it as much as me,

So mote it shall be.”

                Corrine repeated this ritual daily for a week and on the seventh day a letter arrived from the bank approving the loan. She was ecstatic. Did she read the fine print at the bottom of the page? Unfortunately not.

            Corrine  had such good fun setting up the business. With help from her neighbours, the hen house was built, the coup was erected, the petting booths were put in place and the hens were bought.  The little hens were friendly and quaint and trotted around her garden together. They were ideal for petting. She knew them by name- Anne, Emily and Charlotte. They were great company and well-loved. Customers came and business was brisk.

                 Alas, there was a downside- the hens had a tendency escape the coop and to wander. This proved their downfall. Anne and Emily wandered into the haggard of the neighbouring farm and ate the rat poison laid down there. Corrine’s sorrow was sincere, she mourned those little hens especially as they had started to lay eggs for her breakfast.

                Charlotte, the sole survivor became quite neurotic without her mates, so Miss Corrine got  a  replacement whom she named Amelia.  Alas, Charlotte she took a dead set against Amelia, and bullied her incessantly and forced her to sleep in a tree just outside the coup. This lack of harmony among the hens affected business and the customers started to complain about the sessions as there was nothing remotely satisfying about trying to pet a cross hen.

        But then a strange thing happened, Miss Corrine found Charlotte dead in the nesting boxone morning. There was no sign of violence, but she did wonder at the smug look on Amelia’s face as she now settled quite comfortably into the coup.

As Amelia acted a bit broody over the following weeks Miss Corrine had the bright idea of getting fertilized  eggs to put under her.  She mentioned her idea to a neighbour and next thing she knew six eggs were left on her doorstep with a note saying they were fertilized, the note was unsigned. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Miss Corrine went ahead and put them under Amelia. The little hen became so protective of those eggs and she sat placidly on them until they hatched.

      The chicks survived, and grew  to be the  most obnoxious creatures imaginable. Petting them was impossible. They flew at, pecked and squalled at anybody silly enough to go near them. Miss Corrine’s clients dropped away like flies needless to say, and when one of the hens flew at her last remaining client, causing her to trip, fall and break her hip, Miss Corrine knew she was in serious trouble. The poor woman’s cries of pain, the screeching of the ambulance siren, the solicitor’s letter completely unnerved Miss Corrine. The rise in insurance cost was just about the last straw.

 Poor Corrine came to believe that these birds were cursed. She didn’t know what to do as she had couldn’t contemplate killing them.

                               One morning while she was out feeding the brutes, and wondering how on earth she could get rid of them, the postman arrived with a letter from Miss Delphine, the bank manager, inviting her to a meeting the following morning, to discuss the repayments on her loan, or more precisely, why she wasn’t making any.

          It was only then that Miss Corrine got out the loan agreement and read the fine print, which said that the Bank would appoint a receiver to sell the assets of her business in the event of her not making repayments on her loan. What a relief! She was a bit concerned about the unfortunate receiver though. Still, she rang the bank and left a message for Miss Delphine telling her that she was unable to make any loan repayments, and to go right ahead and appoint a receiver for the business.

                            The following Monday as she was out feeding the little monsters, while they pecked at her, who should pull up outside the orchard but Miss Delphine herself. The birds raced across the grass to meet and greet her and when they got there they lay down at her feet and cooed, rubbing their necks against her Hunter wellies. Corrine could hardly believe her eyes.

         It turned out that Miss Delphine had resigned her job at the Bank, bought the Hen Petting Business at a knock down price from the receiver and intended to set up her own Hen Petting enterprise, with team building and stress reduction exercises for Bank officials as the core part of the business.

                       Corrine was gobsmacked at this turn of events. Here she was with no business and still owing the Bank money. She reviewed the spell she had cast all those months ago and saw that making Miss Delphine want the enterprise as much as herself was a serious error of judgement, and as for her naivety in accepting those fertilized eggs without checking their provenance, the less said the better. She realized that she was in need of someserious upskilling, and therefore she sat down and drafted a letter to the Ratheniska Coven, requesting membership.

        She is currently awaiting the outcome of this application.